The Arrogant ones Fall Hardest

I haven't written here in a long time. It seems the only times that I am compelled to record are times that I slip. Maybe it is because this is the only place I feel enough anonymity and freedom to express my situation and failures.

It has been a long while since I binged and purged. At least, it feels like it has been a long time. I have been walking around proud of myself. In OA (overeater's anonymous) they usually say that when you get too cocky about your recovery, you are bound to slip. Damnit if they weren't right, again!

Yesterday, and today, I binged and purged! Two days in a row! Yesterday I was doing calculus while eating lunch, at work. (It always seems to be at work..hmm..). I was getting VERY frustrated and stressed about my math. So instead of investing some productive time, I decided I would go to the cafeteria and get more food, (even though I was already full!). Of course, this lead to a purge. I felt better...then the guilt set in.

Tonight, we had a meeting at work. My boss brought in homeade salsa. It looked, and smelled, so GOOD! I took my lunch into the meeting hoping that by eating my "safe" food, I would stay away from the chips and salsa. Halfway through the meeting, after I had tolerated everyone else's dipping and crunching sounds, I grabbed a bowl and continued shoving salsa and chips into my mouth like I was in an eating competition! I began to get VERY self-concsious when I noticed everyone was done eating their "snack", and I was polishing off the rest of the salsa and still eating handfulls of chips...I decided to say, "I NEED WATER! This salsa is burning my mouth" I ran from the meeting, went into the break room...(and here is the worst part!) ate the rest of a cake that I had brought in for celebration! I was STUFFED. I had to do SOMETHING! I went into the bathroom and had the most frustrating purge I've had in my life. I drank zero water during all that eating, and if you are at all familiar with this process...let's say it did NOT come up as easy as it went down.

Suffice to say I was PISSED with myself when it was all said and done. I've already gained TEN pounds since the beginning of the year, and probably added 5 more between the last two days. I MUST go on a STRICT exercise routine after the new year. I MUST stick to my food plan (no more bingeing! no more purging!) and I MUST get healthier. This is REALLY starting to spin out of control again, and I can't live that way anymore!

Ana in Wonderland

I am sad, which is weird, because I'm really really happy right now! I'm on Lexapro AND Prozac...there is no room between those two medications for melancholy!

I'm sad because I gained weight. That's what happens when I quit weighing myself, drink every day, and pretend I don't care...I gain 5 pounds in two months. DISGUST!

I am working out again...slowly. Not overdoing it. But ANA is a PEST and she wants to me restrict SOOO badly. I am fighting her every day, but she is so persistent. Of course when my modeling takes off I go over 120! FUCK! I can't remember the last time I was so terrified to be on a scale. Oh yes, that was 30 pounds ago, last year! I had finally gotten comfortable and SURE I couldn't gain any more. DAMN DAMN DAMN. What do I do now? Do I let Mia and Ana back in, just for a few pounds?

I know where they will take me. I'm scared if I go down that rabbit hole, I won't come back again.

Show starts in 5...4...3...

Things are going so much better for me, but it is still a little forced.

I have my entire trip to North Carolina planned, thanks to CouchSurfing.org! I have found three very nice people to stay with; each have offered to show me around the different schools/towns that I will be visiting. It is so much better than staying in a hotel and wandering the city alone!
My boyfriend is NOT crazy about the idea, but this is for my FUTURE so I just said, "Deal with it".

My psychologist has told me that she feels I am becoming so much more empowered and I couldn't agree more. I feel a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I decided to leave my job at the end of the year. People are asking if I am worried about paying the bills, selling my house, moving to another state..."No". Why? Because it feels RIGHT.

I finally feel like I am on the right path. I know it will not be easy. There will be STRESS, there will be mixed emotions: fear, lonliness, happiness; I can see all of that coming, but I know that they will not last. I am finally on the road to a life that I have only been able to dream of until now.

Somehow acting on these things that I have only dreamed up in the past has helped my ED fall back into the shadows. I have gained weight, and while I do think of it several times a day, I do not feel the need to jump on an elliptical or restrict. I simply accept it as part of what my body is going through. The number on the scale is not going to stop me! That number is not going to keep me from my dreams! I know that Mia would LOVE to get in my way; she is dying to be the center of attention again...but guess what? I've had a taste of the spolight, and I am NOT letting the curtain close on me!

Thank You, God

I am feeling good! Very happy. But I am a little suspicious...

I won't have a job in January. That means, no insurance. Which = no thereapy, and no meds.
I won't be ablet to afford my anti-depressants. Kinda scary!

So I am forced to ask myself, "Have I been happy lately because the medicine is doing its job, or is my attitude changing?".

I hope it is the latter, because I am going to have to ween off these meds during the most awful, cold, bleak, nasty, dreaded time of the year. The holidays + winter cold = depression and suicidal thoughts + bingeing/purging tempatations EVERYWHERE.

But I am not scared. I believe in myself. Today, looking back on the last year since my nervous break, I have made leaps and bounds. I actually care about myself today. I am still worried about my image (weight) but I have not been running to the toilet, bingeing or purging for 3 weeks. That is a blessing.

Thank God for all of my blessings. I am so humbled and thankful today. =)

"All I really want, is some place, man...A place to find some common ground".

Two days ago I found out that the company site I work for is going to be sold at the end of the year. The new company is graciously offering all of the current employees a position. Although, it has been hard, I have chosen to decline. It will be the first time, since I was 15, that I was unemployed.

I never considered myself a work-aholic, an over-achiever, or a perfectionist. It also took me almost 10 years to label myself as anorexic/bulimic. That just proves that we are usually the last to accept labels for ourselves, but easy to place them on other in order to make ourselves feel categorized.

In eleven weeks, I will be hanging up my work coat and sitting at a desk to study. That's right. I am going back to school. I have been taking a class here and there for the last two semesters, but I will finally be able to dig deep into the educational system and find a passion. I am hoping my passion is hiding in there somewhere between Neuroscience and Psychology .

I haven't binged for two weeks, and I have only purged once (after a meal that I ate just a little too much, but I wouldn't consider a binge). That is my best record since August, and I plan on keeping it going. I am feeling very confident, and it is getting easier and easier to turn away the "bad" foods. The purge inducing foods are coming with a vengence now that it is holiday season, and I need to be especially strong this time of year.

I am taking Chantix to try to quit smoking. So far...I'm still smoking. I know how it works, and it actually DID work for me last year, so my quit date is set for Nov. 12. That is was the first day without a cigarette last year.

AND I haven't been exercising at all since I ran the last 5k. I did better in the race than I thought I would, but somehow it has jaded me. In the past, if I have a poor racing experience I tend to give up on running for awhile. Somehow, I was not born with the innate competitive nature that some are blessed. I give in to defeat instead of responding with pep talks and pushing harder to win next time. I usually move on to the next thing and hope I'm better at that. But I DO need to exercise whether I am running or not...so I hope when I quit smoking I will be more motivated to exercise. I don't know...right now, I could care less about that.

I am going to try not to bitch about the cold weather as much as I want to. Just know that in my head, every few minutes, I am screaming, "I FUCKING HATE WINTER".

"All my life I've been searching for something; something that never comes..."

I have not binged or purged for a week! I am very happy with myself. Yesterday was very, very difficult. There was a huge pitch-in at work; cookies, meats, fingerfoods, ROLLS, all staring at me in the break room. I remained strong despite feeling emotionally crummy.

I am still smoking, but I plan to get Chantix from my doctor on Monday. It worked last year; I quit Nov. 12, 2008 and hopefully I will be smoke free by the same date in 2009. That is my goal. Why would I even start again after 9 months of being smoke free? Well, I had reached a point of despair when I justified my relapse in my ED, my binge drinking, and why not throw my cigarette addiction back in there just to make my cycle of self-destruction a bit more challenging? Sure! After a few weeks, I've realized I'd rather not have stomach, throat, and lung cancer before I die. (I still haven't given up on liver disease from drinking yet).

I have been feeling rather indifferent in love lately. Rather, I've felt indifferent towards every one. I am not sure if this is depression, or if I am just getting to a point where I'd rather develop myself without outside influence. (That sounds intelligent, but it's probably a load of shit I'm telling myself because instead of doing yoga and self-help exercises, I sit at home and drink till all hours of the morning). That's all it is. I want to grow and learn to love myself. Even if it means hurting myself a little in the process.

"Habits are first cobwebs, then cables."

I have decided to take a stance. I am going to fight this. I don't want to end up where I was last year, and lose my self, lose time in recovery, and lose my mind. It was painful, it was hard, and it was embarrassing. I still haven't been able to admit to more than a few close friends and family that I was even in treatment for 6 weeks last year. The people I work with still have no idea.

There are two other factors to be considered this time. I started smoking again. I am disappointed in myself, but I started smoking because I actually wanted a cigarette. I told myself that it was better to have that than to binge and purge yet again. I felt as though I had to hide my smoking from my boyfriend, and this created a lot of guilt. In turn, I was bingeing and purging to spite the guilt. I have decided that smoking is my choice, and I am choosing to do it right now to help me through this rough time. I do want to quit, soon! I wish I had never bought that damn pack, but now that I have started, I am going to do it on my own terms.

Also, there is the alcohol. I have drank every day for so long, I can't remember the last time I was voluntarily sober. The term "functional alcoholic" comes to mind, and truly terrifies me. How I appreciate being described as functional, when paired with the term alcoholic it has a bitter irony there. I don't believe in a functional addict of any kind. There is either an addict living in addiction or living in recovery. I suppose at this point I should look myself in the mirror, and say, "I love you. I have noticed that you might have a drinking problem. No, you DO have a drinking problem. Remember the other night when you thought that it was too late for the grocery store to sell alcohol, and your pulse raced for the next 5 minutes until the cashier cleared the 1/5 of Vodka you were trying to purchase, well...non-addicts don't feel that way about alcohol. You DO have a problem. I love you, and I want you to be free of all these addictions".

I know that I can't truly be free to accomplish my dreams until I am free from these chains of addiction. They cause me to be my own worst enemy, when right now I need to be my biggest fan.

"This crowded bar is full of sin"

I have been having one hell of an addiction trade off the past few weeks. I quit smoking last November, and I was extremely sucessful, I would say. I was relatively at east being around a smoker without indulging, and if I wasn't around cigarette smoke then I wasn't tempted at all. It all started when I was alone, and I drank too much. Something I have been doing too often lately. I sauntered to the closest VP, and threw down five dollars for a pack. I couldn't believe how much the cost has risen in less than a year! Within a week I had smoked the entire pack, continually promising myself that I would not buy another pack. I have since bought, and thrown away or destroyed, at least half a dozen filthy items.
So aside from fighting my addiction to cigarettes, again, I am tortured by thoughts of binging and purging. So far, I have made it 5 days without doing either. It is extremely sad that I am counting days, when until a month ago I had about 9 months free from acting out my ED. I'm sure it has something to do with the amount of alcohol consumption lately. I'm admitting that I have been drinking too much, but I am not ready to admit that I have a problem.
Damn, I just feel like I need SOMETHING. Some coping mechanism for God's sake how else am I supposed to survive the next 6-9 months before moving? I HATE it here! I HATE this cold, dreadful winter that is slowly creeping in...I can already feel the depression closing in.
Let me have my fucking alcohol, and a few cigarettes, and I'll give you a pretty smile and a content attitude. I don't know what kind of monster I would be if I couldn't have my vices behind closed doors.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?"

I don't know what brings this on. Today, I woke up late so I had to eat breakfast at work. This threw off my entire eating schedule, which for a compulsive overeater, such as myself, is a terribly dificult thing to adjust to. My hunger was out of whack, and after eating lunch I just didn't feel right. I decided to eat my normal amount even though I wasn't that hungry.
I don't know if that was a bad choice, but as soon as I was finished I knew I was too full. That never works out well for me. If I am full, then I want to get fuller, so that I can purge. That sounds SO weird, even as I'm typing it....but it is true.

Like a horse right out of the gate, I went to the cafeteria and purchased milk, cereal, and CC cookies. Then, on my way out I hit up the vending machine for cheetos and a package of duplex cookies. To my horror, in the reflection of the vending machine I caught a glimpse of my co-worked coming into the cafeteria.

I'll just say that bingeing and purging is not something that one wants to be in public display. Since I don't eat sugar or flour in public, and have accredited this custom to "food allergies" in front of many suspicious fellow employees, for ANYONE to see me at a vending machine would arouse a great deal of suspicion. I grabbed my "snacks" and hauled ass out of there as quick as I came out of the gate.

I hurried up to my usual hiding spot, but this time I had a feeling things were not going to go smoothly. With each BP session, at work, I grow a little more paranoid that this will be the time that I get caught. I have learned to hide the bag of food under the table so that if I am seen garbling down some forbidden sugary snack, at least the witness won't be keen to the fact that it was only 1 of 10 or 15 items on my inhale list.

As I was halfway through my bowl of cereal, I heard unfamiliar footsteps coming up the stairs towards my hiding area. ANY footsteps are unfamiliar; this is my hiding area because no one ever comes up here! Until tonight, of course. I am mentally freaking out!! Please, don't let it be my coworker!! Of all my luck? It is! And she is carrying a great big plate of french fries, cookie, and a soda. Hmmm? I was beginning to wonder if that wasn't ONLY my hiding place after all.

I trilled off, "Are you trying to hide?" in a giggling tone to suggest that her secret was mine too. She just smiled and nodded. Like an animal in headlights, I was unsure what to do then. I was sitting in a corner by myself, so she couldn't join me and lucky for me she didn't intend to. She went off and sat by herself. I questioned whether or not I should even go through with this, but I had already taken a few bites, and I wasn't about to give way when I had just started.

I began eating at an even fast pace than usual. I stuffed everything down within a matter of minutes, and I was moving on to find some isolated bathroom. I don't think my coworker is bulimic, but I did find it odd that she was coming to that same spot to eat. She talked on her phone most of the time, so I think I got away with opening 5 or 6 plastic wrappers that made a hell of a noise. I think in all, it just got a little too close...

I guess I am going to have to stop doing this at work. That is not such a bad thing. I need to stop period. It isn't my only problem either; last night I drank WAY too much. I could hardly walk, but I was convinced that I needed a cigarette! I quit almost a year ago, but the last few weeks since I have been falling apart I've fell back into the nicotine trap as well.

I am a mess. Although what I did tonight gave me a rush...it isn't worth it. I would be mortified if someone at work caught me in the bathoom purging, or even caught me in my hiding spot surrounded by food and wrappers. I don't even think I'd be able to return to my job out of mere embarrassment.

The sad thing is, I just can't fingure out how to love myself enough...I can't love myself enough to feel like I deserve anything better. I feel like this is the best it will be, even though I KNOW it could be much much better. What makes me so different? What makes me so CRAZY that I would even think about partaking in these weird food rituals? I wish I could STOP.

"Ana wrecks your life. Like an anorexic life"

God works in mysterious ways, and I am reminded of this every day when I see small "coincidences" or I am interrupted from my non-sensible obsessing long enough to appreciate the small things I often take for granted.
I told my self all day that I would not binge and purge today. I told myself yesterday, also, but that did not work out so well. Today, I said, will be different. As I was eating my well balanced meal in the break room, I got about half-way through before I had the urge to keep eating. I hadn't even finished what I brought, but I was already fighting off the fantasies of all the cafeteria food that I am not supposed to consume. By the time that I finished my meal, I thought I would be pleasantly full and I would lose the urge to stuff my face further. Unfortunately, by the time I was finished eating, I hurriedly cleaned up my place at the table so that I could rush (remember: walk don't run!) to the cafeteria and splurge on french fries, donuts, cereal, cookies, or whatever other sugary/floury contraband I could find.
As I peeled around the corner to head for the locker room, all previous promises to myself became obsolete; all I could think about was the food, the fix!, the indulgence. Then, I realized, the cleaning crew was waxing the basement floor, and I was denied access. My mind quickly raced through other options in order to fulfill its latest conquest, but I realized it was no use. My money was in the locker, and that last thing I want is to get fired for stealing binge food!
In a way, I was relieved. It has been getting harder and harder to steal an hour away from my work area without anyone noticing I am gone. I have been having increased feelings of guilt with every purge. What started out as a coincidental opportunity has turned into an obsessive game. It isn't just an "opportunity", it's a mandate.
At least today, uncontrollable circumstances kept me from self harm. It is the little "coincidences" like that which lead me to believe there is someone out there looking out for my best interest. Because the good Lord knows, I don't look out for me own.

"One More Winter.."

I am not sure if I am improving or regressing. I feel like there is improvement because I finally have some goals that I am working towards. Before recovery, I couldn't keep goals in mind without feeling as though I was worthless, and never going to live to see their completion. At least all of my self-doom and gloom is gone.
Maybe I can attribute my lighter moods to the anti-depressants that I am taking. I have noticed that I feel...more numb. I am capable of being happy, but really everything just seems blah. If I were to receive acceptance letters from all of the colleges that I applied, I would probably rather assume I choose universities with rather low standards as opposed to jumping up and down while patting my own ego. SIGH. This could be called humble, or this could be called self-destruction slowly creeping up again.
I really want to move. I am dreading this winter. I absolutely hate the slow death that creeps over nature as the cold fingers sweep into this part of the country. YUCK. If there is anything I hate more than being cold, it's being trapped inside! My new mantra, "One more winter", is what I keep telling myself every year. But this year, I have a plan! AND I have acceptance letters to strive for.
Thy Will NOT MINE Be Done; I will be in North Carolina this time next year!!!!

"There's a door open to walk through. All I want is just beyond..."

I have been good the last two days. At least in the eating disorder standards. I haven't eaten anything I am not supposed to, and I have kept everything down! Good job! ::pats self on back::

My legs are killing me from a hard core circuit class I did at the gym. I can't wait to go back! Serious hour of sweaty self punishment that keeps my from bingeing and purging because I don't dare over eat calories after that much work.

The relationship is going...well, if just keeps going. I am not sure where we are right now. Some kind of limbo. I am having a lot of trouble imagining moving next year with someone. Part of me really wants to experience college alone. I haven't been single for almost 10 years!! Wow. That is a long time to be spread across 5 boyfriends and countless lovers. I miss playing the field, but I really do enjoy a constant companion. I never really got companionship from a girlfriend, so I am hoping to make some friends in college that I can depend on. Then I won't feel the need to have a boyfriend.

I am trying really hard to stay in the moment, and concentrate, but with winter coming (and depression coming) I want to move farther south NOW! I have to keep reminding myself make today great, and tomorrow will follow.

"You're my disease; All I need"

I was just listening to the Collective Soul song, Untitled, and caught that line: "You're my disease, all I need".

Do I really believe that? It seems like when my disease is at its worst, then I DO believe that. I watch myself push everyone away. I am in my 5th day of relapse. Again today I binged and purged. I left my friends, I left my family, and I shunned my boyfriend. Why? To go home and be in "peace" as I self destruct. Terrible.

I want to be free. I want to be free of this disease and everything that comes with it. I want to be free of all addiction. Is it possible? How do I save myself from myself. I can't, and I know this.

God, or my higher power...can save me. I need to let him in. I need to let him.

"In the midst of all the madness, there was stillness still"

It happened again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I really thought I was going to make it through today without purging.

I was sitting eating my dinner in the break room at work; I wasn't even hungry, but it was my usual break time to I ate. I started reading an article in People about a girl who was 15 years old and battling obesity. She was 5'7" 492 lbs, and lost 200lbs. in one year. She was speaking about her eating habits and how food forces her feelings away. As though on cue, my brain went on autopilot; I checked out and let my bulimia take the wheel. Without reconsideration, I went to my locker and retreived my my debit card, walked to the cafeteria and purchased a pizza, two ranch dressings, three cookies, and a milk. My cherades didn't end without a dollar spent in the vending machine, and a trip to someone's desk whom is reputable for stashing candy bars. I even stole some food out of the refrigerator in the other building's breakroom!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!

I was sittiner there bingeing and THINKING about how ridiculous I am; how disgusting this is; how GOOD the forbidden food tastes. DAMN. I know this is soooo wrong. I can't figure out what feelings I am trying to stuff down. I don't feel angry, I don't feel sad, I simply don't FEEL!!

I am going to my therapist tomorrow morning, and I am already planning a b/p for afterwards. I am hoping/praying to God that I wake up in a different mindset tomorrow. Because right now I am really looking forward to Denny's plus Mary Lou's Doughnuts followed by a three mile run and one hour bike ride.

"Did you just eat a donut, because your eyes are glazed!"

I got high at work. My heart is racing; my eyes are red and glossy. I got high. It lasted an hour.

Food gets me high. It's legal, and for me, potentially lethal. I walk into the cafeteria at work, and I am as timid as a first time heroin buyer. I walk around looking at the selection wondering which one will fulfill my need this time. In my mind, I am planning a binge. The order, the amount, the textures and tastes. I want it to be the perfect combination.

I stalk the cook; as her casual questions,"What's for lunch?"; drop hints, "Cheeseburgers sound really good". I manipulate.

I wasn't even planning this today! Some days I wake up, and I just know the devil is inside me and I am going to spend my day fighting him. Some days, I can resist the temptation brought on by double chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, and the endless suggestive comments made by coworkers about the over abundance of ice cream novelties that are still remaining in the break room refrigerator. Some days, these things do not bother me. I go on living in my sugar/flour free world and I am content. Days like today, I break! And it only takes 30 seconds to waste an hour.

I was sitting in the bathroom; on the toilet for God's sake! when all of a sudden I decided I am going to eat as much as I can and throw it up. Of course it doesn't sound that way in my head. It more or less started with, "Hmmm....everyone is preoccupied, I'm bored off my ass, no one would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth....damn some french friends sound good right now".

It took me five minutes to purchase a chicken/bacon/cheese sandwich, an order of friends, and 3 cookies. After that: a Hershey chocolate bar, a Rice Krispie Treat, and a bag of combos. After that the deal was sealed. And I ate...

This time I thought I might have killed myself. As I hurried to the restroom, and it's usually down to the wire to make it to a private commode, I felt a pop in my side and some intense pain. I thought for sure my stomach or esophagus had ruptured. I decided I definitely needed to get this food out now!

This is disgusting, I know. This is revolting if you are reading it, I'm sure. It disgusts and revolts me. For some reason, I am actually HIGH right now. I do this because I LIKE it. I HATE that I like it.

It has been almost 9 months since I was so addicted I HAD to do this 3-5 times a week. Now I am getting back into 1 time a week and it absolutely terrifies me. I can't hide this anymore! I can't go back to being that person anymore. I am terrified. I am high.

"Damnit Otto, You're an Alcoholic!"

It is the damndest thing being addicted. Surrendering to an addiction is an easy way to live a hard life, and fighting the addiction is the hardest way to live an easy life.
Like my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedburg says, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'Damnit Otto, You have Lupas!';'Damnit Otto, You're an Alcoholic'. One of those two doesn't sound right". It is funny because it is true.
Most people do not understand addiction. Most people WITH addictions, don't understand addiction. It is a disease, really? You mean it is not my fault? According to my therapist, and crowds in AA, and scientific evidence addiction is not your fault or mine. Then why do I feel so guilty?
Why do I feel so ashamed to admit that I have an eating disorder. Did you know that an eating disorder is actually an addiction to food? I didn't either. I had a nervous breakdown last year and ended up in a recovery center near Ft. Lauderdale, FL. It saved my life. It also made my life harder; fighing this addiction is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I know there are others like me. They are hard to find, because I imagine that like myself, they want to remain anonymous. I am just going to put my story out there. If you want to read it, feel free. Even if no one ever reads this...writing can be my release.