It happened again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I really thought I was going to make it through today without purging.
I was sitting eating my dinner in the break room at work; I wasn't even hungry, but it was my usual break time to I ate. I started reading an article in People about a girl who was 15 years old and battling obesity. She was 5'7" 492 lbs, and lost 200lbs. in one year. She was speaking about her eating habits and how food forces her feelings away. As though on cue, my brain went on autopilot; I checked out and let my bulimia take the wheel. Without reconsideration, I went to my locker and retreived my my debit card, walked to the cafeteria and purchased a pizza, two ranch dressings, three cookies, and a milk. My cherades didn't end without a dollar spent in the vending machine, and a trip to someone's desk whom is reputable for stashing candy bars. I even stole some food out of the refrigerator in the other building's breakroom!!!
WHAT THE HELL!!
I was sittiner there bingeing and THINKING about how ridiculous I am; how disgusting this is; how GOOD the forbidden food tastes. DAMN. I know this is soooo wrong. I can't figure out what feelings I am trying to stuff down. I don't feel angry, I don't feel sad, I simply don't FEEL!!
I am going to my therapist tomorrow morning, and I am already planning a b/p for afterwards. I am hoping/praying to God that I wake up in a different mindset tomorrow. Because right now I am really looking forward to Denny's plus Mary Lou's Doughnuts followed by a three mile run and one hour bike ride.
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I really dont know hot to advise you, but is there any way at work you could try to keep yourself around other people so you dont get the opportunity to binge?
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling is extremely difficult to overcome once you get it, you said you've already planned your next b/p after your therapy, tell your therapist about this, work out a way to prevent it happening.
Just remember how it makes you feel after.
xoxo