The Arrogant ones Fall Hardest

I haven't written here in a long time. It seems the only times that I am compelled to record are times that I slip. Maybe it is because this is the only place I feel enough anonymity and freedom to express my situation and failures.

It has been a long while since I binged and purged. At least, it feels like it has been a long time. I have been walking around proud of myself. In OA (overeater's anonymous) they usually say that when you get too cocky about your recovery, you are bound to slip. Damnit if they weren't right, again!

Yesterday, and today, I binged and purged! Two days in a row! Yesterday I was doing calculus while eating lunch, at work. (It always seems to be at work..hmm..). I was getting VERY frustrated and stressed about my math. So instead of investing some productive time, I decided I would go to the cafeteria and get more food, (even though I was already full!). Of course, this lead to a purge. I felt better...then the guilt set in.

Tonight, we had a meeting at work. My boss brought in homeade salsa. It looked, and smelled, so GOOD! I took my lunch into the meeting hoping that by eating my "safe" food, I would stay away from the chips and salsa. Halfway through the meeting, after I had tolerated everyone else's dipping and crunching sounds, I grabbed a bowl and continued shoving salsa and chips into my mouth like I was in an eating competition! I began to get VERY self-concsious when I noticed everyone was done eating their "snack", and I was polishing off the rest of the salsa and still eating handfulls of chips...I decided to say, "I NEED WATER! This salsa is burning my mouth" I ran from the meeting, went into the break room...(and here is the worst part!) ate the rest of a cake that I had brought in for celebration! I was STUFFED. I had to do SOMETHING! I went into the bathroom and had the most frustrating purge I've had in my life. I drank zero water during all that eating, and if you are at all familiar with this process...let's say it did NOT come up as easy as it went down.

Suffice to say I was PISSED with myself when it was all said and done. I've already gained TEN pounds since the beginning of the year, and probably added 5 more between the last two days. I MUST go on a STRICT exercise routine after the new year. I MUST stick to my food plan (no more bingeing! no more purging!) and I MUST get healthier. This is REALLY starting to spin out of control again, and I can't live that way anymore!