"There's a door open to walk through. All I want is just beyond..."

I have been good the last two days. At least in the eating disorder standards. I haven't eaten anything I am not supposed to, and I have kept everything down! Good job! ::pats self on back::

My legs are killing me from a hard core circuit class I did at the gym. I can't wait to go back! Serious hour of sweaty self punishment that keeps my from bingeing and purging because I don't dare over eat calories after that much work.

The relationship is going...well, if just keeps going. I am not sure where we are right now. Some kind of limbo. I am having a lot of trouble imagining moving next year with someone. Part of me really wants to experience college alone. I haven't been single for almost 10 years!! Wow. That is a long time to be spread across 5 boyfriends and countless lovers. I miss playing the field, but I really do enjoy a constant companion. I never really got companionship from a girlfriend, so I am hoping to make some friends in college that I can depend on. Then I won't feel the need to have a boyfriend.

I am trying really hard to stay in the moment, and concentrate, but with winter coming (and depression coming) I want to move farther south NOW! I have to keep reminding myself make today great, and tomorrow will follow.

"You're my disease; All I need"

I was just listening to the Collective Soul song, Untitled, and caught that line: "You're my disease, all I need".

Do I really believe that? It seems like when my disease is at its worst, then I DO believe that. I watch myself push everyone away. I am in my 5th day of relapse. Again today I binged and purged. I left my friends, I left my family, and I shunned my boyfriend. Why? To go home and be in "peace" as I self destruct. Terrible.

I want to be free. I want to be free of this disease and everything that comes with it. I want to be free of all addiction. Is it possible? How do I save myself from myself. I can't, and I know this.

God, or my higher power...can save me. I need to let him in. I need to let him.

"In the midst of all the madness, there was stillness still"

It happened again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I really thought I was going to make it through today without purging.

I was sitting eating my dinner in the break room at work; I wasn't even hungry, but it was my usual break time to I ate. I started reading an article in People about a girl who was 15 years old and battling obesity. She was 5'7" 492 lbs, and lost 200lbs. in one year. She was speaking about her eating habits and how food forces her feelings away. As though on cue, my brain went on autopilot; I checked out and let my bulimia take the wheel. Without reconsideration, I went to my locker and retreived my my debit card, walked to the cafeteria and purchased a pizza, two ranch dressings, three cookies, and a milk. My cherades didn't end without a dollar spent in the vending machine, and a trip to someone's desk whom is reputable for stashing candy bars. I even stole some food out of the refrigerator in the other building's breakroom!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!

I was sittiner there bingeing and THINKING about how ridiculous I am; how disgusting this is; how GOOD the forbidden food tastes. DAMN. I know this is soooo wrong. I can't figure out what feelings I am trying to stuff down. I don't feel angry, I don't feel sad, I simply don't FEEL!!

I am going to my therapist tomorrow morning, and I am already planning a b/p for afterwards. I am hoping/praying to God that I wake up in a different mindset tomorrow. Because right now I am really looking forward to Denny's plus Mary Lou's Doughnuts followed by a three mile run and one hour bike ride.

"Did you just eat a donut, because your eyes are glazed!"

I got high at work. My heart is racing; my eyes are red and glossy. I got high. It lasted an hour.

Food gets me high. It's legal, and for me, potentially lethal. I walk into the cafeteria at work, and I am as timid as a first time heroin buyer. I walk around looking at the selection wondering which one will fulfill my need this time. In my mind, I am planning a binge. The order, the amount, the textures and tastes. I want it to be the perfect combination.

I stalk the cook; as her casual questions,"What's for lunch?"; drop hints, "Cheeseburgers sound really good". I manipulate.

I wasn't even planning this today! Some days I wake up, and I just know the devil is inside me and I am going to spend my day fighting him. Some days, I can resist the temptation brought on by double chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, and the endless suggestive comments made by coworkers about the over abundance of ice cream novelties that are still remaining in the break room refrigerator. Some days, these things do not bother me. I go on living in my sugar/flour free world and I am content. Days like today, I break! And it only takes 30 seconds to waste an hour.

I was sitting in the bathroom; on the toilet for God's sake! when all of a sudden I decided I am going to eat as much as I can and throw it up. Of course it doesn't sound that way in my head. It more or less started with, "Hmmm....everyone is preoccupied, I'm bored off my ass, no one would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth....damn some french friends sound good right now".

It took me five minutes to purchase a chicken/bacon/cheese sandwich, an order of friends, and 3 cookies. After that: a Hershey chocolate bar, a Rice Krispie Treat, and a bag of combos. After that the deal was sealed. And I ate...

This time I thought I might have killed myself. As I hurried to the restroom, and it's usually down to the wire to make it to a private commode, I felt a pop in my side and some intense pain. I thought for sure my stomach or esophagus had ruptured. I decided I definitely needed to get this food out now!

This is disgusting, I know. This is revolting if you are reading it, I'm sure. It disgusts and revolts me. For some reason, I am actually HIGH right now. I do this because I LIKE it. I HATE that I like it.

It has been almost 9 months since I was so addicted I HAD to do this 3-5 times a week. Now I am getting back into 1 time a week and it absolutely terrifies me. I can't hide this anymore! I can't go back to being that person anymore. I am terrified. I am high.

"Damnit Otto, You're an Alcoholic!"

It is the damndest thing being addicted. Surrendering to an addiction is an easy way to live a hard life, and fighting the addiction is the hardest way to live an easy life.
Like my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedburg says, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'Damnit Otto, You have Lupas!';'Damnit Otto, You're an Alcoholic'. One of those two doesn't sound right". It is funny because it is true.
Most people do not understand addiction. Most people WITH addictions, don't understand addiction. It is a disease, really? You mean it is not my fault? According to my therapist, and crowds in AA, and scientific evidence addiction is not your fault or mine. Then why do I feel so guilty?
Why do I feel so ashamed to admit that I have an eating disorder. Did you know that an eating disorder is actually an addiction to food? I didn't either. I had a nervous breakdown last year and ended up in a recovery center near Ft. Lauderdale, FL. It saved my life. It also made my life harder; fighing this addiction is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I know there are others like me. They are hard to find, because I imagine that like myself, they want to remain anonymous. I am just going to put my story out there. If you want to read it, feel free. Even if no one ever reads this...writing can be my release.