I have been having one hell of an addiction trade off the past few weeks. I quit smoking last November, and I was extremely sucessful, I would say. I was relatively at east being around a smoker without indulging, and if I wasn't around cigarette smoke then I wasn't tempted at all. It all started when I was alone, and I drank too much. Something I have been doing too often lately. I sauntered to the closest VP, and threw down five dollars for a pack. I couldn't believe how much the cost has risen in less than a year! Within a week I had smoked the entire pack, continually promising myself that I would not buy another pack. I have since bought, and thrown away or destroyed, at least half a dozen filthy items.
So aside from fighting my addiction to cigarettes, again, I am tortured by thoughts of binging and purging. So far, I have made it 5 days without doing either. It is extremely sad that I am counting days, when until a month ago I had about 9 months free from acting out my ED. I'm sure it has something to do with the amount of alcohol consumption lately. I'm admitting that I have been drinking too much, but I am not ready to admit that I have a problem.
Damn, I just feel like I need SOMETHING. Some coping mechanism for God's sake how else am I supposed to survive the next 6-9 months before moving? I HATE it here! I HATE this cold, dreadful winter that is slowly creeping in...I can already feel the depression closing in.
Let me have my fucking alcohol, and a few cigarettes, and I'll give you a pretty smile and a content attitude. I don't know what kind of monster I would be if I couldn't have my vices behind closed doors.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?"
I don't know what brings this on. Today, I woke up late so I had to eat breakfast at work. This threw off my entire eating schedule, which for a compulsive overeater, such as myself, is a terribly dificult thing to adjust to. My hunger was out of whack, and after eating lunch I just didn't feel right. I decided to eat my normal amount even though I wasn't that hungry.
I don't know if that was a bad choice, but as soon as I was finished I knew I was too full. That never works out well for me. If I am full, then I want to get fuller, so that I can purge. That sounds SO weird, even as I'm typing it....but it is true.
Like a horse right out of the gate, I went to the cafeteria and purchased milk, cereal, and CC cookies. Then, on my way out I hit up the vending machine for cheetos and a package of duplex cookies. To my horror, in the reflection of the vending machine I caught a glimpse of my co-worked coming into the cafeteria.
I'll just say that bingeing and purging is not something that one wants to be in public display. Since I don't eat sugar or flour in public, and have accredited this custom to "food allergies" in front of many suspicious fellow employees, for ANYONE to see me at a vending machine would arouse a great deal of suspicion. I grabbed my "snacks" and hauled ass out of there as quick as I came out of the gate.
I hurried up to my usual hiding spot, but this time I had a feeling things were not going to go smoothly. With each BP session, at work, I grow a little more paranoid that this will be the time that I get caught. I have learned to hide the bag of food under the table so that if I am seen garbling down some forbidden sugary snack, at least the witness won't be keen to the fact that it was only 1 of 10 or 15 items on my inhale list.
As I was halfway through my bowl of cereal, I heard unfamiliar footsteps coming up the stairs towards my hiding area. ANY footsteps are unfamiliar; this is my hiding area because no one ever comes up here! Until tonight, of course. I am mentally freaking out!! Please, don't let it be my coworker!! Of all my luck? It is! And she is carrying a great big plate of french fries, cookie, and a soda. Hmmm? I was beginning to wonder if that wasn't ONLY my hiding place after all.
I trilled off, "Are you trying to hide?" in a giggling tone to suggest that her secret was mine too. She just smiled and nodded. Like an animal in headlights, I was unsure what to do then. I was sitting in a corner by myself, so she couldn't join me and lucky for me she didn't intend to. She went off and sat by herself. I questioned whether or not I should even go through with this, but I had already taken a few bites, and I wasn't about to give way when I had just started.
I began eating at an even fast pace than usual. I stuffed everything down within a matter of minutes, and I was moving on to find some isolated bathroom. I don't think my coworker is bulimic, but I did find it odd that she was coming to that same spot to eat. She talked on her phone most of the time, so I think I got away with opening 5 or 6 plastic wrappers that made a hell of a noise. I think in all, it just got a little too close...
I guess I am going to have to stop doing this at work. That is not such a bad thing. I need to stop period. It isn't my only problem either; last night I drank WAY too much. I could hardly walk, but I was convinced that I needed a cigarette! I quit almost a year ago, but the last few weeks since I have been falling apart I've fell back into the nicotine trap as well.
I am a mess. Although what I did tonight gave me a rush...it isn't worth it. I would be mortified if someone at work caught me in the bathoom purging, or even caught me in my hiding spot surrounded by food and wrappers. I don't even think I'd be able to return to my job out of mere embarrassment.
The sad thing is, I just can't fingure out how to love myself enough...I can't love myself enough to feel like I deserve anything better. I feel like this is the best it will be, even though I KNOW it could be much much better. What makes me so different? What makes me so CRAZY that I would even think about partaking in these weird food rituals? I wish I could STOP.
I don't know if that was a bad choice, but as soon as I was finished I knew I was too full. That never works out well for me. If I am full, then I want to get fuller, so that I can purge. That sounds SO weird, even as I'm typing it....but it is true.
Like a horse right out of the gate, I went to the cafeteria and purchased milk, cereal, and CC cookies. Then, on my way out I hit up the vending machine for cheetos and a package of duplex cookies. To my horror, in the reflection of the vending machine I caught a glimpse of my co-worked coming into the cafeteria.
I'll just say that bingeing and purging is not something that one wants to be in public display. Since I don't eat sugar or flour in public, and have accredited this custom to "food allergies" in front of many suspicious fellow employees, for ANYONE to see me at a vending machine would arouse a great deal of suspicion. I grabbed my "snacks" and hauled ass out of there as quick as I came out of the gate.
I hurried up to my usual hiding spot, but this time I had a feeling things were not going to go smoothly. With each BP session, at work, I grow a little more paranoid that this will be the time that I get caught. I have learned to hide the bag of food under the table so that if I am seen garbling down some forbidden sugary snack, at least the witness won't be keen to the fact that it was only 1 of 10 or 15 items on my inhale list.
As I was halfway through my bowl of cereal, I heard unfamiliar footsteps coming up the stairs towards my hiding area. ANY footsteps are unfamiliar; this is my hiding area because no one ever comes up here! Until tonight, of course. I am mentally freaking out!! Please, don't let it be my coworker!! Of all my luck? It is! And she is carrying a great big plate of french fries, cookie, and a soda. Hmmm? I was beginning to wonder if that wasn't ONLY my hiding place after all.
I trilled off, "Are you trying to hide?" in a giggling tone to suggest that her secret was mine too. She just smiled and nodded. Like an animal in headlights, I was unsure what to do then. I was sitting in a corner by myself, so she couldn't join me and lucky for me she didn't intend to. She went off and sat by herself. I questioned whether or not I should even go through with this, but I had already taken a few bites, and I wasn't about to give way when I had just started.
I began eating at an even fast pace than usual. I stuffed everything down within a matter of minutes, and I was moving on to find some isolated bathroom. I don't think my coworker is bulimic, but I did find it odd that she was coming to that same spot to eat. She talked on her phone most of the time, so I think I got away with opening 5 or 6 plastic wrappers that made a hell of a noise. I think in all, it just got a little too close...
I guess I am going to have to stop doing this at work. That is not such a bad thing. I need to stop period. It isn't my only problem either; last night I drank WAY too much. I could hardly walk, but I was convinced that I needed a cigarette! I quit almost a year ago, but the last few weeks since I have been falling apart I've fell back into the nicotine trap as well.
I am a mess. Although what I did tonight gave me a rush...it isn't worth it. I would be mortified if someone at work caught me in the bathoom purging, or even caught me in my hiding spot surrounded by food and wrappers. I don't even think I'd be able to return to my job out of mere embarrassment.
The sad thing is, I just can't fingure out how to love myself enough...I can't love myself enough to feel like I deserve anything better. I feel like this is the best it will be, even though I KNOW it could be much much better. What makes me so different? What makes me so CRAZY that I would even think about partaking in these weird food rituals? I wish I could STOP.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
"Ana wrecks your life. Like an anorexic life"
God works in mysterious ways, and I am reminded of this every day when I see small "coincidences" or I am interrupted from my non-sensible obsessing long enough to appreciate the small things I often take for granted.
I told my self all day that I would not binge and purge today. I told myself yesterday, also, but that did not work out so well. Today, I said, will be different. As I was eating my well balanced meal in the break room, I got about half-way through before I had the urge to keep eating. I hadn't even finished what I brought, but I was already fighting off the fantasies of all the cafeteria food that I am not supposed to consume. By the time that I finished my meal, I thought I would be pleasantly full and I would lose the urge to stuff my face further. Unfortunately, by the time I was finished eating, I hurriedly cleaned up my place at the table so that I could rush (remember: walk don't run!) to the cafeteria and splurge on french fries, donuts, cereal, cookies, or whatever other sugary/floury contraband I could find.
As I peeled around the corner to head for the locker room, all previous promises to myself became obsolete; all I could think about was the food, the fix!, the indulgence. Then, I realized, the cleaning crew was waxing the basement floor, and I was denied access. My mind quickly raced through other options in order to fulfill its latest conquest, but I realized it was no use. My money was in the locker, and that last thing I want is to get fired for stealing binge food!
In a way, I was relieved. It has been getting harder and harder to steal an hour away from my work area without anyone noticing I am gone. I have been having increased feelings of guilt with every purge. What started out as a coincidental opportunity has turned into an obsessive game. It isn't just an "opportunity", it's a mandate.
At least today, uncontrollable circumstances kept me from self harm. It is the little "coincidences" like that which lead me to believe there is someone out there looking out for my best interest. Because the good Lord knows, I don't look out for me own.
I told my self all day that I would not binge and purge today. I told myself yesterday, also, but that did not work out so well. Today, I said, will be different. As I was eating my well balanced meal in the break room, I got about half-way through before I had the urge to keep eating. I hadn't even finished what I brought, but I was already fighting off the fantasies of all the cafeteria food that I am not supposed to consume. By the time that I finished my meal, I thought I would be pleasantly full and I would lose the urge to stuff my face further. Unfortunately, by the time I was finished eating, I hurriedly cleaned up my place at the table so that I could rush (remember: walk don't run!) to the cafeteria and splurge on french fries, donuts, cereal, cookies, or whatever other sugary/floury contraband I could find.
As I peeled around the corner to head for the locker room, all previous promises to myself became obsolete; all I could think about was the food, the fix!, the indulgence. Then, I realized, the cleaning crew was waxing the basement floor, and I was denied access. My mind quickly raced through other options in order to fulfill its latest conquest, but I realized it was no use. My money was in the locker, and that last thing I want is to get fired for stealing binge food!
In a way, I was relieved. It has been getting harder and harder to steal an hour away from my work area without anyone noticing I am gone. I have been having increased feelings of guilt with every purge. What started out as a coincidental opportunity has turned into an obsessive game. It isn't just an "opportunity", it's a mandate.
At least today, uncontrollable circumstances kept me from self harm. It is the little "coincidences" like that which lead me to believe there is someone out there looking out for my best interest. Because the good Lord knows, I don't look out for me own.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
"One More Winter.."
I am not sure if I am improving or regressing. I feel like there is improvement because I finally have some goals that I am working towards. Before recovery, I couldn't keep goals in mind without feeling as though I was worthless, and never going to live to see their completion. At least all of my self-doom and gloom is gone.
Maybe I can attribute my lighter moods to the anti-depressants that I am taking. I have noticed that I feel...more numb. I am capable of being happy, but really everything just seems blah. If I were to receive acceptance letters from all of the colleges that I applied, I would probably rather assume I choose universities with rather low standards as opposed to jumping up and down while patting my own ego. SIGH. This could be called humble, or this could be called self-destruction slowly creeping up again.
I really want to move. I am dreading this winter. I absolutely hate the slow death that creeps over nature as the cold fingers sweep into this part of the country. YUCK. If there is anything I hate more than being cold, it's being trapped inside! My new mantra, "One more winter", is what I keep telling myself every year. But this year, I have a plan! AND I have acceptance letters to strive for.
Thy Will NOT MINE Be Done; I will be in North Carolina this time next year!!!!
Maybe I can attribute my lighter moods to the anti-depressants that I am taking. I have noticed that I feel...more numb. I am capable of being happy, but really everything just seems blah. If I were to receive acceptance letters from all of the colleges that I applied, I would probably rather assume I choose universities with rather low standards as opposed to jumping up and down while patting my own ego. SIGH. This could be called humble, or this could be called self-destruction slowly creeping up again.
I really want to move. I am dreading this winter. I absolutely hate the slow death that creeps over nature as the cold fingers sweep into this part of the country. YUCK. If there is anything I hate more than being cold, it's being trapped inside! My new mantra, "One more winter", is what I keep telling myself every year. But this year, I have a plan! AND I have acceptance letters to strive for.
Thy Will NOT MINE Be Done; I will be in North Carolina this time next year!!!!
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