"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?"

I don't know what brings this on. Today, I woke up late so I had to eat breakfast at work. This threw off my entire eating schedule, which for a compulsive overeater, such as myself, is a terribly dificult thing to adjust to. My hunger was out of whack, and after eating lunch I just didn't feel right. I decided to eat my normal amount even though I wasn't that hungry.
I don't know if that was a bad choice, but as soon as I was finished I knew I was too full. That never works out well for me. If I am full, then I want to get fuller, so that I can purge. That sounds SO weird, even as I'm typing it....but it is true.

Like a horse right out of the gate, I went to the cafeteria and purchased milk, cereal, and CC cookies. Then, on my way out I hit up the vending machine for cheetos and a package of duplex cookies. To my horror, in the reflection of the vending machine I caught a glimpse of my co-worked coming into the cafeteria.

I'll just say that bingeing and purging is not something that one wants to be in public display. Since I don't eat sugar or flour in public, and have accredited this custom to "food allergies" in front of many suspicious fellow employees, for ANYONE to see me at a vending machine would arouse a great deal of suspicion. I grabbed my "snacks" and hauled ass out of there as quick as I came out of the gate.

I hurried up to my usual hiding spot, but this time I had a feeling things were not going to go smoothly. With each BP session, at work, I grow a little more paranoid that this will be the time that I get caught. I have learned to hide the bag of food under the table so that if I am seen garbling down some forbidden sugary snack, at least the witness won't be keen to the fact that it was only 1 of 10 or 15 items on my inhale list.

As I was halfway through my bowl of cereal, I heard unfamiliar footsteps coming up the stairs towards my hiding area. ANY footsteps are unfamiliar; this is my hiding area because no one ever comes up here! Until tonight, of course. I am mentally freaking out!! Please, don't let it be my coworker!! Of all my luck? It is! And she is carrying a great big plate of french fries, cookie, and a soda. Hmmm? I was beginning to wonder if that wasn't ONLY my hiding place after all.

I trilled off, "Are you trying to hide?" in a giggling tone to suggest that her secret was mine too. She just smiled and nodded. Like an animal in headlights, I was unsure what to do then. I was sitting in a corner by myself, so she couldn't join me and lucky for me she didn't intend to. She went off and sat by herself. I questioned whether or not I should even go through with this, but I had already taken a few bites, and I wasn't about to give way when I had just started.

I began eating at an even fast pace than usual. I stuffed everything down within a matter of minutes, and I was moving on to find some isolated bathroom. I don't think my coworker is bulimic, but I did find it odd that she was coming to that same spot to eat. She talked on her phone most of the time, so I think I got away with opening 5 or 6 plastic wrappers that made a hell of a noise. I think in all, it just got a little too close...

I guess I am going to have to stop doing this at work. That is not such a bad thing. I need to stop period. It isn't my only problem either; last night I drank WAY too much. I could hardly walk, but I was convinced that I needed a cigarette! I quit almost a year ago, but the last few weeks since I have been falling apart I've fell back into the nicotine trap as well.

I am a mess. Although what I did tonight gave me a rush...it isn't worth it. I would be mortified if someone at work caught me in the bathoom purging, or even caught me in my hiding spot surrounded by food and wrappers. I don't even think I'd be able to return to my job out of mere embarrassment.

The sad thing is, I just can't fingure out how to love myself enough...I can't love myself enough to feel like I deserve anything better. I feel like this is the best it will be, even though I KNOW it could be much much better. What makes me so different? What makes me so CRAZY that I would even think about partaking in these weird food rituals? I wish I could STOP.