The Arrogant ones Fall Hardest

I haven't written here in a long time. It seems the only times that I am compelled to record are times that I slip. Maybe it is because this is the only place I feel enough anonymity and freedom to express my situation and failures.

It has been a long while since I binged and purged. At least, it feels like it has been a long time. I have been walking around proud of myself. In OA (overeater's anonymous) they usually say that when you get too cocky about your recovery, you are bound to slip. Damnit if they weren't right, again!

Yesterday, and today, I binged and purged! Two days in a row! Yesterday I was doing calculus while eating lunch, at work. (It always seems to be at work..hmm..). I was getting VERY frustrated and stressed about my math. So instead of investing some productive time, I decided I would go to the cafeteria and get more food, (even though I was already full!). Of course, this lead to a purge. I felt better...then the guilt set in.

Tonight, we had a meeting at work. My boss brought in homeade salsa. It looked, and smelled, so GOOD! I took my lunch into the meeting hoping that by eating my "safe" food, I would stay away from the chips and salsa. Halfway through the meeting, after I had tolerated everyone else's dipping and crunching sounds, I grabbed a bowl and continued shoving salsa and chips into my mouth like I was in an eating competition! I began to get VERY self-concsious when I noticed everyone was done eating their "snack", and I was polishing off the rest of the salsa and still eating handfulls of chips...I decided to say, "I NEED WATER! This salsa is burning my mouth" I ran from the meeting, went into the break room...(and here is the worst part!) ate the rest of a cake that I had brought in for celebration! I was STUFFED. I had to do SOMETHING! I went into the bathroom and had the most frustrating purge I've had in my life. I drank zero water during all that eating, and if you are at all familiar with this process...let's say it did NOT come up as easy as it went down.

Suffice to say I was PISSED with myself when it was all said and done. I've already gained TEN pounds since the beginning of the year, and probably added 5 more between the last two days. I MUST go on a STRICT exercise routine after the new year. I MUST stick to my food plan (no more bingeing! no more purging!) and I MUST get healthier. This is REALLY starting to spin out of control again, and I can't live that way anymore!

Ana in Wonderland

I am sad, which is weird, because I'm really really happy right now! I'm on Lexapro AND Prozac...there is no room between those two medications for melancholy!

I'm sad because I gained weight. That's what happens when I quit weighing myself, drink every day, and pretend I don't care...I gain 5 pounds in two months. DISGUST!

I am working out again...slowly. Not overdoing it. But ANA is a PEST and she wants to me restrict SOOO badly. I am fighting her every day, but she is so persistent. Of course when my modeling takes off I go over 120! FUCK! I can't remember the last time I was so terrified to be on a scale. Oh yes, that was 30 pounds ago, last year! I had finally gotten comfortable and SURE I couldn't gain any more. DAMN DAMN DAMN. What do I do now? Do I let Mia and Ana back in, just for a few pounds?

I know where they will take me. I'm scared if I go down that rabbit hole, I won't come back again.

Show starts in 5...4...3...

Things are going so much better for me, but it is still a little forced.

I have my entire trip to North Carolina planned, thanks to CouchSurfing.org! I have found three very nice people to stay with; each have offered to show me around the different schools/towns that I will be visiting. It is so much better than staying in a hotel and wandering the city alone!
My boyfriend is NOT crazy about the idea, but this is for my FUTURE so I just said, "Deal with it".

My psychologist has told me that she feels I am becoming so much more empowered and I couldn't agree more. I feel a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I decided to leave my job at the end of the year. People are asking if I am worried about paying the bills, selling my house, moving to another state..."No". Why? Because it feels RIGHT.

I finally feel like I am on the right path. I know it will not be easy. There will be STRESS, there will be mixed emotions: fear, lonliness, happiness; I can see all of that coming, but I know that they will not last. I am finally on the road to a life that I have only been able to dream of until now.

Somehow acting on these things that I have only dreamed up in the past has helped my ED fall back into the shadows. I have gained weight, and while I do think of it several times a day, I do not feel the need to jump on an elliptical or restrict. I simply accept it as part of what my body is going through. The number on the scale is not going to stop me! That number is not going to keep me from my dreams! I know that Mia would LOVE to get in my way; she is dying to be the center of attention again...but guess what? I've had a taste of the spolight, and I am NOT letting the curtain close on me!

Thank You, God

I am feeling good! Very happy. But I am a little suspicious...

I won't have a job in January. That means, no insurance. Which = no thereapy, and no meds.
I won't be ablet to afford my anti-depressants. Kinda scary!

So I am forced to ask myself, "Have I been happy lately because the medicine is doing its job, or is my attitude changing?".

I hope it is the latter, because I am going to have to ween off these meds during the most awful, cold, bleak, nasty, dreaded time of the year. The holidays + winter cold = depression and suicidal thoughts + bingeing/purging tempatations EVERYWHERE.

But I am not scared. I believe in myself. Today, looking back on the last year since my nervous break, I have made leaps and bounds. I actually care about myself today. I am still worried about my image (weight) but I have not been running to the toilet, bingeing or purging for 3 weeks. That is a blessing.

Thank God for all of my blessings. I am so humbled and thankful today. =)

"All I really want, is some place, man...A place to find some common ground".

Two days ago I found out that the company site I work for is going to be sold at the end of the year. The new company is graciously offering all of the current employees a position. Although, it has been hard, I have chosen to decline. It will be the first time, since I was 15, that I was unemployed.

I never considered myself a work-aholic, an over-achiever, or a perfectionist. It also took me almost 10 years to label myself as anorexic/bulimic. That just proves that we are usually the last to accept labels for ourselves, but easy to place them on other in order to make ourselves feel categorized.

In eleven weeks, I will be hanging up my work coat and sitting at a desk to study. That's right. I am going back to school. I have been taking a class here and there for the last two semesters, but I will finally be able to dig deep into the educational system and find a passion. I am hoping my passion is hiding in there somewhere between Neuroscience and Psychology .

I haven't binged for two weeks, and I have only purged once (after a meal that I ate just a little too much, but I wouldn't consider a binge). That is my best record since August, and I plan on keeping it going. I am feeling very confident, and it is getting easier and easier to turn away the "bad" foods. The purge inducing foods are coming with a vengence now that it is holiday season, and I need to be especially strong this time of year.

I am taking Chantix to try to quit smoking. So far...I'm still smoking. I know how it works, and it actually DID work for me last year, so my quit date is set for Nov. 12. That is was the first day without a cigarette last year.

AND I haven't been exercising at all since I ran the last 5k. I did better in the race than I thought I would, but somehow it has jaded me. In the past, if I have a poor racing experience I tend to give up on running for awhile. Somehow, I was not born with the innate competitive nature that some are blessed. I give in to defeat instead of responding with pep talks and pushing harder to win next time. I usually move on to the next thing and hope I'm better at that. But I DO need to exercise whether I am running or not...so I hope when I quit smoking I will be more motivated to exercise. I don't know...right now, I could care less about that.

I am going to try not to bitch about the cold weather as much as I want to. Just know that in my head, every few minutes, I am screaming, "I FUCKING HATE WINTER".

"All my life I've been searching for something; something that never comes..."

I have not binged or purged for a week! I am very happy with myself. Yesterday was very, very difficult. There was a huge pitch-in at work; cookies, meats, fingerfoods, ROLLS, all staring at me in the break room. I remained strong despite feeling emotionally crummy.

I am still smoking, but I plan to get Chantix from my doctor on Monday. It worked last year; I quit Nov. 12, 2008 and hopefully I will be smoke free by the same date in 2009. That is my goal. Why would I even start again after 9 months of being smoke free? Well, I had reached a point of despair when I justified my relapse in my ED, my binge drinking, and why not throw my cigarette addiction back in there just to make my cycle of self-destruction a bit more challenging? Sure! After a few weeks, I've realized I'd rather not have stomach, throat, and lung cancer before I die. (I still haven't given up on liver disease from drinking yet).

I have been feeling rather indifferent in love lately. Rather, I've felt indifferent towards every one. I am not sure if this is depression, or if I am just getting to a point where I'd rather develop myself without outside influence. (That sounds intelligent, but it's probably a load of shit I'm telling myself because instead of doing yoga and self-help exercises, I sit at home and drink till all hours of the morning). That's all it is. I want to grow and learn to love myself. Even if it means hurting myself a little in the process.

"Habits are first cobwebs, then cables."

I have decided to take a stance. I am going to fight this. I don't want to end up where I was last year, and lose my self, lose time in recovery, and lose my mind. It was painful, it was hard, and it was embarrassing. I still haven't been able to admit to more than a few close friends and family that I was even in treatment for 6 weeks last year. The people I work with still have no idea.

There are two other factors to be considered this time. I started smoking again. I am disappointed in myself, but I started smoking because I actually wanted a cigarette. I told myself that it was better to have that than to binge and purge yet again. I felt as though I had to hide my smoking from my boyfriend, and this created a lot of guilt. In turn, I was bingeing and purging to spite the guilt. I have decided that smoking is my choice, and I am choosing to do it right now to help me through this rough time. I do want to quit, soon! I wish I had never bought that damn pack, but now that I have started, I am going to do it on my own terms.

Also, there is the alcohol. I have drank every day for so long, I can't remember the last time I was voluntarily sober. The term "functional alcoholic" comes to mind, and truly terrifies me. How I appreciate being described as functional, when paired with the term alcoholic it has a bitter irony there. I don't believe in a functional addict of any kind. There is either an addict living in addiction or living in recovery. I suppose at this point I should look myself in the mirror, and say, "I love you. I have noticed that you might have a drinking problem. No, you DO have a drinking problem. Remember the other night when you thought that it was too late for the grocery store to sell alcohol, and your pulse raced for the next 5 minutes until the cashier cleared the 1/5 of Vodka you were trying to purchase, well...non-addicts don't feel that way about alcohol. You DO have a problem. I love you, and I want you to be free of all these addictions".

I know that I can't truly be free to accomplish my dreams until I am free from these chains of addiction. They cause me to be my own worst enemy, when right now I need to be my biggest fan.