"Habits are first cobwebs, then cables."

I have decided to take a stance. I am going to fight this. I don't want to end up where I was last year, and lose my self, lose time in recovery, and lose my mind. It was painful, it was hard, and it was embarrassing. I still haven't been able to admit to more than a few close friends and family that I was even in treatment for 6 weeks last year. The people I work with still have no idea.

There are two other factors to be considered this time. I started smoking again. I am disappointed in myself, but I started smoking because I actually wanted a cigarette. I told myself that it was better to have that than to binge and purge yet again. I felt as though I had to hide my smoking from my boyfriend, and this created a lot of guilt. In turn, I was bingeing and purging to spite the guilt. I have decided that smoking is my choice, and I am choosing to do it right now to help me through this rough time. I do want to quit, soon! I wish I had never bought that damn pack, but now that I have started, I am going to do it on my own terms.

Also, there is the alcohol. I have drank every day for so long, I can't remember the last time I was voluntarily sober. The term "functional alcoholic" comes to mind, and truly terrifies me. How I appreciate being described as functional, when paired with the term alcoholic it has a bitter irony there. I don't believe in a functional addict of any kind. There is either an addict living in addiction or living in recovery. I suppose at this point I should look myself in the mirror, and say, "I love you. I have noticed that you might have a drinking problem. No, you DO have a drinking problem. Remember the other night when you thought that it was too late for the grocery store to sell alcohol, and your pulse raced for the next 5 minutes until the cashier cleared the 1/5 of Vodka you were trying to purchase, well...non-addicts don't feel that way about alcohol. You DO have a problem. I love you, and I want you to be free of all these addictions".

I know that I can't truly be free to accomplish my dreams until I am free from these chains of addiction. They cause me to be my own worst enemy, when right now I need to be my biggest fan.