I have not binged or purged for a week! I am very happy with myself. Yesterday was very, very difficult. There was a huge pitch-in at work; cookies, meats, fingerfoods, ROLLS, all staring at me in the break room. I remained strong despite feeling emotionally crummy.
I am still smoking, but I plan to get Chantix from my doctor on Monday. It worked last year; I quit Nov. 12, 2008 and hopefully I will be smoke free by the same date in 2009. That is my goal. Why would I even start again after 9 months of being smoke free? Well, I had reached a point of despair when I justified my relapse in my ED, my binge drinking, and why not throw my cigarette addiction back in there just to make my cycle of self-destruction a bit more challenging? Sure! After a few weeks, I've realized I'd rather not have stomach, throat, and lung cancer before I die. (I still haven't given up on liver disease from drinking yet).
I have been feeling rather indifferent in love lately. Rather, I've felt indifferent towards every one. I am not sure if this is depression, or if I am just getting to a point where I'd rather develop myself without outside influence. (That sounds intelligent, but it's probably a load of shit I'm telling myself because instead of doing yoga and self-help exercises, I sit at home and drink till all hours of the morning). That's all it is. I want to grow and learn to love myself. Even if it means hurting myself a little in the process.
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