I am sad, which is weird, because I'm really really happy right now! I'm on Lexapro AND Prozac...there is no room between those two medications for melancholy!
I'm sad because I gained weight. That's what happens when I quit weighing myself, drink every day, and pretend I don't care...I gain 5 pounds in two months. DISGUST!
I am working out again...slowly. Not overdoing it. But ANA is a PEST and she wants to me restrict SOOO badly. I am fighting her every day, but she is so persistent. Of course when my modeling takes off I go over 120! FUCK! I can't remember the last time I was so terrified to be on a scale. Oh yes, that was 30 pounds ago, last year! I had finally gotten comfortable and SURE I couldn't gain any more. DAMN DAMN DAMN. What do I do now? Do I let Mia and Ana back in, just for a few pounds?
I know where they will take me. I'm scared if I go down that rabbit hole, I won't come back again.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Show starts in 5...4...3...
Things are going so much better for me, but it is still a little forced.
I have my entire trip to North Carolina planned, thanks to CouchSurfing.org! I have found three very nice people to stay with; each have offered to show me around the different schools/towns that I will be visiting. It is so much better than staying in a hotel and wandering the city alone!
My boyfriend is NOT crazy about the idea, but this is for my FUTURE so I just said, "Deal with it".
My psychologist has told me that she feels I am becoming so much more empowered and I couldn't agree more. I feel a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I decided to leave my job at the end of the year. People are asking if I am worried about paying the bills, selling my house, moving to another state..."No". Why? Because it feels RIGHT.
I finally feel like I am on the right path. I know it will not be easy. There will be STRESS, there will be mixed emotions: fear, lonliness, happiness; I can see all of that coming, but I know that they will not last. I am finally on the road to a life that I have only been able to dream of until now.
Somehow acting on these things that I have only dreamed up in the past has helped my ED fall back into the shadows. I have gained weight, and while I do think of it several times a day, I do not feel the need to jump on an elliptical or restrict. I simply accept it as part of what my body is going through. The number on the scale is not going to stop me! That number is not going to keep me from my dreams! I know that Mia would LOVE to get in my way; she is dying to be the center of attention again...but guess what? I've had a taste of the spolight, and I am NOT letting the curtain close on me!
I have my entire trip to North Carolina planned, thanks to CouchSurfing.org! I have found three very nice people to stay with; each have offered to show me around the different schools/towns that I will be visiting. It is so much better than staying in a hotel and wandering the city alone!
My boyfriend is NOT crazy about the idea, but this is for my FUTURE so I just said, "Deal with it".
My psychologist has told me that she feels I am becoming so much more empowered and I couldn't agree more. I feel a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I decided to leave my job at the end of the year. People are asking if I am worried about paying the bills, selling my house, moving to another state..."No". Why? Because it feels RIGHT.
I finally feel like I am on the right path. I know it will not be easy. There will be STRESS, there will be mixed emotions: fear, lonliness, happiness; I can see all of that coming, but I know that they will not last. I am finally on the road to a life that I have only been able to dream of until now.
Somehow acting on these things that I have only dreamed up in the past has helped my ED fall back into the shadows. I have gained weight, and while I do think of it several times a day, I do not feel the need to jump on an elliptical or restrict. I simply accept it as part of what my body is going through. The number on the scale is not going to stop me! That number is not going to keep me from my dreams! I know that Mia would LOVE to get in my way; she is dying to be the center of attention again...but guess what? I've had a taste of the spolight, and I am NOT letting the curtain close on me!
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