"Did you just eat a donut, because your eyes are glazed!"

I got high at work. My heart is racing; my eyes are red and glossy. I got high. It lasted an hour.

Food gets me high. It's legal, and for me, potentially lethal. I walk into the cafeteria at work, and I am as timid as a first time heroin buyer. I walk around looking at the selection wondering which one will fulfill my need this time. In my mind, I am planning a binge. The order, the amount, the textures and tastes. I want it to be the perfect combination.

I stalk the cook; as her casual questions,"What's for lunch?"; drop hints, "Cheeseburgers sound really good". I manipulate.

I wasn't even planning this today! Some days I wake up, and I just know the devil is inside me and I am going to spend my day fighting him. Some days, I can resist the temptation brought on by double chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, and the endless suggestive comments made by coworkers about the over abundance of ice cream novelties that are still remaining in the break room refrigerator. Some days, these things do not bother me. I go on living in my sugar/flour free world and I am content. Days like today, I break! And it only takes 30 seconds to waste an hour.

I was sitting in the bathroom; on the toilet for God's sake! when all of a sudden I decided I am going to eat as much as I can and throw it up. Of course it doesn't sound that way in my head. It more or less started with, "Hmmm....everyone is preoccupied, I'm bored off my ass, no one would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth....damn some french friends sound good right now".

It took me five minutes to purchase a chicken/bacon/cheese sandwich, an order of friends, and 3 cookies. After that: a Hershey chocolate bar, a Rice Krispie Treat, and a bag of combos. After that the deal was sealed. And I ate...

This time I thought I might have killed myself. As I hurried to the restroom, and it's usually down to the wire to make it to a private commode, I felt a pop in my side and some intense pain. I thought for sure my stomach or esophagus had ruptured. I decided I definitely needed to get this food out now!

This is disgusting, I know. This is revolting if you are reading it, I'm sure. It disgusts and revolts me. For some reason, I am actually HIGH right now. I do this because I LIKE it. I HATE that I like it.

It has been almost 9 months since I was so addicted I HAD to do this 3-5 times a week. Now I am getting back into 1 time a week and it absolutely terrifies me. I can't hide this anymore! I can't go back to being that person anymore. I am terrified. I am high.